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Jokes, JOKES AND JoKEs

Why God Loves Blondes
>
> A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her business
> has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits.  She's so desperate
> that she decides to ask God for help.  She begins to pray..."God, please
> help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
> to lose my house as well.   Please let me win the lotto."
>
> Lotto night comes and she does not win.  Brandi again prays... "God,
> please let me win the lotto!  I've lost my business, my house and now I'm
> going to lose my car."
>
> Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.  Once again, she prays...
>  "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me??  I've lost my business, my house,
> my car.  My children are starving.   I don't often ask for help, and I
> have always been a good servant to you.  PLEEEEASE just let me win the
> lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
>
> Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
> Brandi is  confronted by the voice of God himself......
>
> "Brandi, work with me on this.  Buy a ticket!!"

Man & Woman

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one night and they have just
finished
having sex.
   "Honey, did you enjoy the sex we just made?" , he asks.
   "Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

www.jillsjokeline.com

Quiky-

Did you hear about the new support group called "White Guys Without
Girlfriends?"
Their meetings are held at hockey games.

www.jillsjokeline.com

"The Butler" - Rated PG

  A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised
  their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he
  pleased since they would be out quite late.

  The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the
  wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she
  preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.

  The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to
  meet some very important business partners.

  So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the
  couch watching TV.

  She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then
  told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and
  whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now
  remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"

  She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The
  next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

www.twisted humor.com-

If Jack was stuck on a horse and couldn't get off would you help Jack
off the horse?
twisted humor-

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
www.jillsjokeline.com

The Missing Report Card

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents."


The Blonde and the Tiger
 
   One morning this blonde called her boyfriend and said "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's  boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Two Circles

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking' dope and appeared in court on Friday before the Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this: O o , and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable!" said the Judge.
To the second boy the judge said, "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?!?!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles ... ??o O , and said (pointin' to the small circle) 'This is your asshole before prison.......'"

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

For your INFORMATION!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. ( what was that about the pig again?!?!?!?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (I really didn't need to know that!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing ....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I really didn't need to know that either!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?, Who cares!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig!?!?!?!)

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A Nun, A Priest, and a Camel....

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." the nun answered.
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree." said the nun. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

BEAR CHASE

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Y'allbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?" BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida.  Capitol is Lanner.  Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."  BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.  Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in  improvements."  MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.  Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."  BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.  Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."  IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother > from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.  Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in > my pickup truck." TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65." FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer. FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country." DID - (adjective) - Not alive. > Usage "He's did, Jim." ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!" BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf." SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see". VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City... view?" GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:

> > >1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
> > >2) The farm was used to produce produce.
> > >3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
> > >4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
> > >5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
> > >6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
> > >7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
> > >time to present the present.
> > >8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
> > >9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
> > >10) I did not object to the object.
> > >11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
> > >12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
> > >13) They were too close to the door to close it.
> > >14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
> > >15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
> > >16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
> > >17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
> > >18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
> > >19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
> > >20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
> > >21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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